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When Getting Close Feels Scary: Understanding Your Fear of Intimacy

armorton
A mom holding her baby, looking down lovingly. It's on a trail in the woods during the fall, with a golden sun lighting the background.
We need others.

Have you ever found yourself pulling away just when a relationship starts getting closer? You're not alone. As a therapist, I've worked with many people who both deeply want and yet fear emotional intimacy. This push-pull dynamic can be frustrating and confusing – but there's actually a fascinating evolutionary reason behind it.


Our Ancient Story: Why We Need Connection


Believe it or not, our complex feelings about relationships trace back to when humans first stood upright. This evolutionary shift had an unexpected consequence: babies needed to be born earlier to fit through the narrower birth canal. This meant human infants required much more care and attention than other mammals.


Enter emotions – nature's brilliant solution. Our survival came to depend on the loving bond between parent and child. Babies developed strong emotional responses: contentment when held, distress when separated. These weren't just feelings – they were survival mechanisms.


When Early Connections Get Complicated


Research shows our attachment patterns in the first year of life strongly influence our adult relationships. When early caregiving is consistently loving and attentive, we develop a healthy capacity for both intimacy and independence.


But what happens when those early experiences are difficult? Maybe your caregivers were:


  • Emotionally unavailable

  • Inconsistent in their care

  • Dealing with their own trauma

  • No longer present due to loss


To cope, we develop protective patterns – often unconsciously. These might include:


  • Putting others' needs first

  • Keeping emotional distance

  • Struggling to trust

  • Fear of abandonment


Why Getting Close Still Feels Dangerous


Even when you consciously want connection, you might find yourself feeling anxious or pulling away when someone gets too close. This often happens for two key reasons:


1. **The Contrast Effect**: Experiencing genuine care now can highlight what was missing then, triggering old pain

2. **Protective Patterns**: Your mind learned early that emotional distance equals safety


Hope for Healing


The good news? These patterns can change. In therapy, you can:


  • Understand your unique attachment story

  • Process mixed feelings about intimacy

  • Experience a safe relationship with your therapist

  • Gradually build confidence in closer connections

  • Learn to trust your emotions


Through this work, you can develop what therapists call a "corrective emotional experience" – the powerful realization that closer relationships can be safe, nurturing, and worth the risk.


Ready to explore your relationship patterns? Take the first step by scheduling a trial therapy.



Together, we can work on building your capacity for deeper, more fulfilling connections while honoring your need for safety.

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